I imagine pushing her down and banging her head on the wall.The feeling of my fingers against her throat as she chokes.The pure rush after breathing in the metallic scent of blood on my own hands.Standing there feeling proud,accomplished even at my own handiwork.I imagine the desperation,the needy whimpers that come out of her mouth,pleading for me to stop but I continue doing the deed until her pulse weakens.And suddenly all of it stops.A heavy silence descends and I leave her among the daffodils to sleep in peace.
Heavy breathing surrounds me and I realize its mine.I have been having this dream ever since I came here.This place does bad things to my imagination.Here it runs wild even though we are surrounded by tall brick walls.I have a small window to my room.The view is an elm that has branches with velvety moss.I imagine a rope hanging there.A nice end with wind blowing you as long as you can ignore the walls.I used to have a roommate.Pretty little thing with big brown eyes.She chose the elm as an end.I was angry that I hadn’t though of it before.Then came the sobs and as the tears rolled down I could see everything covered in blood,my own.After that the orderlies strapped me to the electric chair.It hurt I suppose but I didn’t feel it after a while.There was this strange numbness that overtook me.
I want to know how it feels.The blood gushing down your wounds.I just can’t place myself feeling any pain but giving it to others. I was discovered strangling the neighbor’s bird.It was a peculiar sound, sort of gasp and then the silence. I was pleased but they caught me.Sent me here to the room with a view.They try to hurt me,control my impulses.They say it’s not incurable but I’ll be here for a while now.
They don’t know yet what happened to my sister.She is still lying there in the wild flowers next to the river I guess.They never found her,they never suspected me.They had a search carried out for months but with no result.I hope they find her one day.Decaying and rotting,gazing into the oblivion.
Emotions are strange,fickle things.Feelings grow on us like weeds and feed on our ability to think rationally.Its not necessarily the worst thing if its going to last long but otherwise it becomes an unwanted emotional baggage you carry alone,waiting for it to fade,lighten,reduce.But its a slow process might take days,months,years.You never know.Imagine meeting a person,slowly developing feelings,watering them with growing attachment and a new found sense of security.In the beginning,its the best thing ever,you feel surreal,you think you’ve found the true meaning of relationships.
Now imagine even stronger bond which we can term love,it involves deeper attachment,increased stability,unmeasurable happiness and unconditional want.You have made this person a part of your life,a priority.This person becomes the most important,gets the highest rank in the unspoken hierarchy of relationships.The person is your entire life now,your happiness,joy depends on his existence.Now imagine tension,unbearable stress,increased level of anxiety,an unmistakable strain which doesn’t go away despite the massive efforts from your side.The sudden realization that you weren’t as important as you considered this person in your life.At this point there is rage,helplessness,strong potent need,burning desire to get this person back in your life.
But you fail because it was very one sided,this person actually doesn’t care anymore.You are left alone to fend for yourself.Then comes in depression,the numbness.You visit dark places which were in the deepest corner of your mind,your heart.You feel unloved,unwanted,insignificant,tiny,minuscule.All of this just because you made this person a priority and you weren’t his.