Do you ever feel like you are failing at everything you do?If i were to count,there are numerous things i failed at the past 2 months:relationships,friendships,trustworthiness and love.I have been a constant disappointment to myself and now i can’t help it.
When it all seems to be going the way I wanted,the light comes in and I’m left alone to deal with the mess we created together.
Have you ever wished you never met a particular person? I must have thought about it a million times for the past week.You came,you approched me but the mistake was I agreed to everything you said.I don’t deny we created memories for a life time but i regret we even met.These memories can’t be forgotten and that’s what revisits me on a daily basis .I remember you in the colors i once liked,the clothes i wear everyday,the dreams i dream,the time I wake up and go the time I go back to sleep.
This was reassuring for a while but now the flashback and echoes just refuse to go away.
For the first time in my life I felt so dependant on a person for happiness.I know now Love isn’t just warm happy feeling but it is a hallucination.Once you withdraw,you don’t even know where to step to avoid falling and I wish i’d known earlier.But there are somethings you can’t avoid.
You are very happy with a person and suddenly out of the blue when things seem to be going forward, you part ways and walk separate paths.The whole process of getting over someone is tedious specially if the feelings weren’t mutual.This was a person who had become a major part of your life,fallen in love with and dreamt of having a future with.Now, you are aimless and directionless.
The hurt is what hits the most,then self-doubt,regret and finally anger.You are completely unequipped to deal with such harmful emotions and feelings.They eat up the best in you and leave you vengeful.At night,you lie awake with withdrawal symptoms as if you were on some addictive drug.You can’t stop thinking about all those conversations you had and the intimacy you shared.And finally the joke is on you because you believed that love conquers all.
There are times in a single day when your hand searches for their name on the phone and there is a itch to call but you have to restrain yourself.You have to deal with the invisible wall built between you two and continue to move forward.No one said its not going to be difficult but perhaps if you get past the difficulty you might just emerge stronger and better.
We can never really understand the true meaning of loss without experiencing it.I have experienced loss in many shades and recently the darkest one hit me.There was a huge void in my life because you left.What actually hurts is you walked away without explanation and it broke me completely. We met as complete strangers and then slowly became friends,I can say at that point i hoped for much more and it seemed like a possibility but perhaps you never had the same idea.
At night I lie awake thinking about what exactly went wrong,the conversations play on a loop in my head.I can’t stop thinking about how a few days ago it was alright and now you can’t even see straight to my face.I tried very hard to forget but the anguish,the pain,the hurt simply doesn’t go away.I wish you would have at least left a note,a message explaining your indifference.
I guess i’m delusional,i read between the lines a little too much but i know some of it was true.Maybe I misjudged you completely but I know it in my bones that you are never going to forget a girl who was ready to give up everything just to be with you,for a single chance to talk and laugh.
Somehow I blame myself for scaring you away but i think that is not the only reason your withdrawal from my life.That unpleasant uneasiness refuses to part with me.But one day I’m sure it will go away just like you did.
I remember the first time i met you. Those wild eyes and messy hair.I still remember how you used to smile when i made dumb jokes.Who would have appreciated me like you did.You were my best friend and my first love.The trips we went on together,the crappy TV shows we watched and how we sneaked out of our houses at night just to meet each other.Our first date,our first kiss,our first fight.
Gradually one thing led to another.Our friends said it was just a rough patch and it would be all right given the time.But we know it never returned to its first phase.We were young and reckless…How i regret that recklessness now.
Those fights were never ending, a healthy relationship took a very nasty turn never to return to its former state.Given the toxicity and tension we both started to distance ourselves,those long hours on the phone now became full of silences and half hearted attempts at conversation.We were sick of one another.Who would’ve known in the beginning? Then we decided to end it amicably but still it hurt.We both withdrew,our friendship almost ceased to exist.Now it was just a quick checkup message,awkward pauses and at times drunk texts.
The last time i saw you was before you left for graduation in another country.I realised it was very difficult to say goodbye.Somewhere in the deepest corner of my heart, i wanted to tell you i had missed you.I had missed us but it was too late to make amendments.We hugged for the last time and then you said “It could be different you know.”I started crying and for the last time you wiped my tears and all i could say was”yes but now we are different people who will be living in different continents,i have to go now.Have a safe flight.”
The last image of you in my mind is a boy with forlorn expression looking lost and I know there is no going back and so i head home.
I could say I’m a non suspicious kind of person. The kind that doesn’t question human behaviour, trusts a little too easily and gets hurt just as fast. I believe friendship is solely based on similarities, interests and trust.
Trust is a very fragile thing and we don’t distribute it around to everyone. There are those select few whom we choose slowly. Sometimes we may not choose well, after all we are humans and do make a few errors.That feeling when someone betrays your trust literally sends you reeling on the floor as the illusion shatters. Then the questions begin to hound us: “How couldn’t I recognize the true intentions of this person?”,”How could i not know they are not really my friend?”,”How did this serious lapse in judgement occur on my part?”,”Am I really that stupid like they said?” and so on.
I know that feeling and those questions strike hard in my mind occasionally.But i have come to an understanding of sorts with my myself. Maybe it is not our fault that this happened, people change as time passes by and maybe we need the realisation to dawn on us that “This person is not worth my time”.
And the sooner it hits the better because instead of having a fallout its wiser to withdraw inch by inch until that person isn’t in sight any longer. I agree withdrawal is hard but its more appropriate than getting used until a very little essence of your self remains.
So walk away when you get a chance before giving that person an opportunity to hurt you. And always remember there are better people in your life.
At some point of time i hope all of us will experience this . When you meet a particular person , you want to know them more . As you get to know them more , you get lost in their thoughts , you drown in their words . That connection you both feel is undeniable , the flame is lit up bright and the air seems live with electricity . And then you know he / she is the one. The world around you suddenly looks vivid .You know you have been missing out on a lot.
That person slowly becomes a major part of your life .you look forward to your meetings . You cant stop thinking about that person . Then it dawns on you maybe this is love , this is happiness ,this is life .
Then from that moment onwards you can imagine long walks on the beach , candle lit dinners , dancing in the rain and flowers in your hair .You know that you are not alone anymore .Your lives become interconnected , you share your deepest secrets and desires …Together you enjoy every sweet moment life has to offer .
Time passes by , days turn into months , months into years . You weather all ups and downs , highs and lows. Now you can truly guarantee someone has got your back .
You know that person is The One you want to grow old with together . And then you remember this all started with that instantaneous connection , spark .
Sometimes , there are disturbing days and even more disturbing nights . My thoughts are turbulent and so scary I just cant find sleep then I listen to the Tibetan chants. The serenity of the chants make me feel so good despite being down due to terrible events earlier in the day .
There is something so soothing about them , I feel at calm within minutes of listening to the music . My mind is filled with images of rippling ponds , zen gardens and that wonderful smell of lotus flowers mingling with incense sticks in altar .
I imagine the rugged Himalayan ranges , monastery and the chanting monks . The hum resonating in the valley , the frigid air and snow clad peaks . I can literally see a weary traveller wiping his brow and taking a reprieve in the music and then continuing his journey with renewed hope . As he continues to walk ahead the music travels along with him. He promises himself he will never forget it .
With those hazy images and slow lull of the chants , i find myself finally falling asleep.