Emotions are strange,fickle things.Feelings grow on us like weeds and feed on our ability to think rationally.Its not necessarily the worst thing if its going to last long but otherwise it becomes an unwanted emotional baggage you carry alone,waiting for it to fade,lighten,reduce.But its a slow process might take days,months,years.You never know.Imagine meeting a person,slowly developing feelings,watering them with growing attachment and a new found sense of security.In the beginning,its the best thing ever,you feel surreal,you think you’ve found the true meaning of relationships.
Now imagine even stronger bond which we can term love,it involves deeper attachment,increased stability,unmeasurable happiness and unconditional want.You have made this person a part of your life,a priority.This person becomes the most important,gets the highest rank in the unspoken hierarchy of relationships.The person is your entire life now,your happiness,joy depends on his existence.Now imagine tension,unbearable stress,increased level of anxiety,an unmistakable strain which doesn’t go away despite the massive efforts from your side.The sudden realization that you weren’t as important as you considered this person in your life.At this point there is rage,helplessness,strong potent need,burning desire to get this person back in your life.
But you fail because it was very one sided,this person actually doesn’t care anymore.You are left alone to fend for yourself.Then comes in depression,the numbness.You visit dark places which were in the deepest corner of your mind,your heart.You feel unloved,unwanted,insignificant,tiny,minuscule.All of this just because you made this person a priority and you weren’t his.
Do you ever feel like you are failing at everything you do?If i were to count,there are numerous things i failed at the past 2 months:relationships,friendships,trustworthiness and love.I have been a constant disappointment to myself and now i can’t help it.
When it all seems to be going the way I wanted,the light comes in and I’m left alone to deal with the mess we created together.
Have you ever wished you never met a particular person? I must have thought about it a million times for the past week.You came,you approched me but the mistake was I agreed to everything you said.I don’t deny we created memories for a life time but i regret we even met.These memories can’t be forgotten and that’s what revisits me on a daily basis .I remember you in the colors i once liked,the clothes i wear everyday,the dreams i dream,the time I wake up and go the time I go back to sleep.
This was reassuring for a while but now the flashback and echoes just refuse to go away.
For the first time in my life I felt so dependant on a person for happiness.I know now Love isn’t just warm happy feeling but it is a hallucination.Once you withdraw,you don’t even know where to step to avoid falling and I wish i’d known earlier.But there are somethings you can’t avoid.