Indifference

We can never really understand the true meaning of loss without experiencing it.I have experienced loss in many shades and recently the darkest one hit me.There was a huge void in my life because you left.What actually hurts is you walked away without explanation and it broke me completely. We met as complete strangers and then slowly became friends,I can say at that point i hoped for much more and it seemed like a possibility but perhaps you never had the same idea.

At night I lie awake thinking about what exactly went wrong,the conversations play on a loop in my head.I can’t stop thinking about how a few days ago it was alright and now you can’t even see straight to my face.I tried very hard to forget but the anguish,the pain,the hurt simply doesn’t go away.I wish you would have at least left a note,a message explaining your indifference.

I guess i’m delusional,i read between the lines a little too much but i know some of it was true.Maybe I misjudged you completely but I know it in my bones that you are never going to forget a girl who was ready to give up everything just to be with you,for a single chance to talk and laugh.

Somehow I blame myself for scaring you away but i think that is not the only reason your withdrawal from my life.That unpleasant uneasiness refuses to part with me.But one day I’m sure it will go away just like you did.

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Last time

I remember the first time i met you. Those wild eyes and messy hair.I still remember how you used to smile when i made dumb jokes.Who would have appreciated me like you did.You were my best friend and my first love.The trips we went on together,the crappy TV shows we watched and how we sneaked out of our houses at night just to meet each other.Our first date,our first kiss,our first fight.

Gradually one thing led to another.Our friends said it was just a rough patch and it would be all right given the time.But we know it never returned to its first phase.We were young and reckless…How i regret that recklessness now.

Those fights were never ending, a healthy relationship took a very nasty turn never to return to its former state.Given the toxicity and tension we both started to distance ourselves,those long hours on the phone now became full of silences and half hearted attempts at conversation.We were sick of one another.Who would’ve known in the beginning? Then we decided to end it amicably but still it hurt.We both withdrew,our friendship almost ceased to exist.Now it was just a quick checkup message,awkward pauses and at times drunk texts.

The last time i saw you was before you left for graduation in another country.I realised it was very difficult to say goodbye.Somewhere in the deepest corner of my heart, i wanted to tell you i had missed you.I had missed  us but it was too late to make amendments.We hugged for the last time and then you said “It could be different you know.”I started crying and for the last time you wiped my tears and all i could say was”yes but now we are different people who will be living in different continents,i have to go now.Have a safe flight.”

The last image of you in my mind is a boy with forlorn expression looking lost and I know there is no going back and so i head home.

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Illusion

I could say I’m a non suspicious kind of person. The kind that doesn’t question human behaviour, trusts a little too easily and gets hurt just as fast. I believe friendship is solely based on similarities, interests and trust.

Trust is a very fragile thing and we don’t  distribute it around to everyone. There are those select few whom we choose slowly. Sometimes we may not choose well, after all we are humans and do make a few errors.That feeling when someone betrays your trust literally sends you reeling on the floor as the illusion shatters. Then the questions begin to hound us: “How couldn’t I recognize the true intentions of this person?”,”How could i not know they are not really my friend?”,”How did this serious lapse in judgement occur on my part?”,”Am I really that stupid like they said?” and so on.

I know that feeling and those questions strike hard in my mind occasionally.But i have come to an understanding of sorts with my myself. Maybe it is not our fault that this happened, people change as time passes by and maybe we need the realisation to dawn on us that “This person is not worth my time”.

And the sooner it hits the better because instead of having a fallout its wiser to withdraw inch by inch until that person isn’t in sight any longer. I agree withdrawal is hard but its more appropriate than getting used until a very little essence of your self remains.

So walk away when you get a chance before giving that person an opportunity to hurt you. And always remember there are better people in your life.

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