At some point of time i hope all of us will experience this . When you meet a particular person , you want to know them more . As you get to know them more , you get lost in their thoughts , you drown in their words . That connection you both feel is undeniable , the flame is lit up bright and the air seems live with electricity . And then you know he / she is the one. The world around you suddenly looks vivid .You know you have been missing out on a lot.
That person slowly becomes a major part of your life .you look forward to your meetings . You cant stop thinking about that person . Then it dawns on you maybe this is love , this is happiness ,this is life .
Then from that moment onwards you can imagine long walks on the beach , candle lit dinners , dancing in the rain and flowers in your hair .You know that you are not alone anymore .Your lives become interconnected , you share your deepest secrets and desires …Together you enjoy every sweet moment life has to offer .
Time passes by , days turn into months , months into years . You weather all ups and downs , highs and lows. Now you can truly guarantee someone has got your back .
You know that person is The One you want to grow old with together . And then you remember this all started with that instantaneous connection , spark .
Sometimes , there are disturbing days and even more disturbing nights . My thoughts are turbulent and so scary I just cant find sleep then I listen to the Tibetan chants. The serenity of the chants make me feel so good despite being down due to terrible events earlier in the day .
There is something so soothing about them , I feel at calm within minutes of listening to the music . My mind is filled with images of rippling ponds , zen gardens and that wonderful smell of lotus flowers mingling with incense sticks in altar .
I imagine the rugged Himalayan ranges , monastery and the chanting monks . The hum resonating in the valley , the frigid air and snow clad peaks . I can literally see a weary traveller wiping his brow and taking a reprieve in the music and then continuing his journey with renewed hope . As he continues to walk ahead the music travels along with him. He promises himself he will never forget it .
With those hazy images and slow lull of the chants , i find myself finally falling asleep.
Today i ran away from a particularly difficult situation (this i do many a times ). I can say I’m a true believer of ESCAPISM . It’s a very spontaneous thing – escape. Some might say it is a heady rush of avoiding situations , the momentous burst of joy and then the blues hit . Later on today i will sit ( imagine a meditation mat , a very calm girl , serene expression ) and go through my day , feeling extremely guilty .
Its a difficult thing , leaving everything and showing your self to the door .Maybe i let down a lot of people due to my illicit desire for escape but at that point of time it was a must , or so i believe ( i must believe ). You might even go to the extent of calling me selfish for running away when things looked good , happy , pleasant . But i have my reasons . I know how it ends , then why not avoid the unspeakable ( the hushed end ).
Have you ever read one of those books where we as the readers get the liberty of interpreting the ending . Most of us will imagine a happily ever after ( with dream like quality of the Disney movies ) and some of us will imagine a gone girl kind of ending ( stuck in happily ever after but not so happy after all ) . I am an avid gone girl fan so that’s what i trust will happen .
After the flighty escape of mine , I might come back (couple of days or months later , teary eyed , needy me ). I know for sure i would see you matching my exceptions and sitting there just where i left you with another girl in your arms staring at the sunset . Getting your kind of happily ever after .
There i would be staring at you with nothing but these words hanging by my lips , along with a heavy heart and a panicked mind . Getting the my type of ending ‘Abrupt’.
Maybe there is something about nostalgia we can never understand .
I was sitting on my armchair , sipping coffee , looking at the raindrops falling on the window panes (very cliche scenario with a movie like quality ) and thinking about an experience i had not very long ago. Some would say it was one of a kind glorious experience while others would say it was a heart wrenching terrible experience . Here I’m the others but then why do i feel so nostalgic about something that bad ? Why do i get pangs of longings for a person i barely knew (i tried )? Why does thinking about him make me feel so bad about myself , guilty , horrendous…so many words to describe a single feeling . I think i know why this happens . The simple answer is nostalgia . Nostalgia drags you into ethos of memories that could be dark or endearing. It’s a spin-wheel , one might just get carried away or one might feel good (those warm fuzzy memories exist for people i reckon ).
I could be depressed not nostalgic you might argue . But today i leaning towards nostalgia .